profile.myspace.com/index.cfm

out with the old, in with the new

tomorrow will be a month since you've died. i miss you more than anything, and i wish you were here to keep us moving and to encourage us to stay strong. i think about you every night, and i know that you're watching over mom and i. when i broke down tonight i felt like you were just down the hall crying as well. i love you, grandma.

my grandma died last night.

my mom and i were watching friday in the living room, and my grandma came out wanting coffee so my mom said she'd make it for her. i was lighting the charcoal out on the pit and came in and asked her if she was okay, cause she was really pale. she said yes, so i didn't think anything of it. so my mom and i went back to our movie and then my mom went to talk to her.. and i was in the computer room and i kept hearing my mom yelling "MOM!!! MOM!!!" so i ran in there and held onto my mom and pulled her out of the room. i started shaking my grandma. i have never, ever been so.. i don't even know the word. her mouth was hanging open and her eyes were rolled back.. her coffee was spilt all over her lap and her head was leaning on the dresser drawer. i tried to calm my mom down and then i called 911. the guy wanted me to pick her up and put her on the ground, but i couldn't do it. i was shaking and so freaked out. i touched her a couple times but that was about it. while the ambulance was on their way my mom was still going insane and crying, so i called my uncle joe and my dad. they came here really quick and my mom and i stayed in her room while my other grandma was in there with us. my uncle went to talk to the paramedics, and then he came back in there and told us that she had a very faint pulse and to be prepared for the worst. so everyone left and my mom and i had stayed home for about 30 minutes trying to get ourselves together before we went to the hospital.. she was on the phone with grace, my grandmothers best friend, and she got a call from the hospital. all of a sudden i looked at my mom and her eyes welled up with tears again and she started screaming "i want my mom. no i want my mom" and she threw herself on her bed and started banging on it. it felt like my heart sank. imagine losing your parent, it has got to be the most depressing thing in the world. we went to the hospital and saw her. my mom and i both immediately started crying and had to walk out. tamara came up to the hospital and stayed with me for a little bit. the rest of my family came up there and then that was it. we realized she was gone. we walked in, lit our cigarettes and noticed how silent and empty the house was. we both didn't get any sleep last night, of course. we went to breakfast this morning at denny's. i brokedown in the parking lot. i don't know how to handle this. it's going to take a lot of getting used to. i have to stay strong for my mom. all i know is that i miss my grandma and i realize how important she was to me now that she's gone.

happy birthday to me

all i ever do is work. i get up at 5 am and get home at 8 pm. i get 2 hours to myself because if i don't go to bed early then i'll be even more exhausted than i already am to begin with.

right now, i'm really fucking tired. i'm not in that good of a mood but whatever. my birthday is saturday. 3 days. it feels like it's taking forever to get here. i just hope this birthday will be better than the last.

I'm going to start using this journal again. I kinda miss it.